Is there a non-reddit non-autistic guide to taking care of a lawn so I won't have huge patches of sorrel, weeds, crabgrass and anthill?

Is there a non-reddit non-autistic guide to taking care of a lawn so I won't have huge patches of sorrel, weeds, crabgrass and anthill? Honest to God I don't give a single fick about grass, I just don't want my lawn to look like a dump compared to my Boomer neighbors and to be left alone. Every reddit guide is 500 chemicals, 300 tools, and 1000 steps with terms that I don't care about.
What is the short and skinny, cant I just buy a bag of grass seed spread it and water it with a hose and call it a day? Pic related, a ton of gay shit written by someone with a mental disorder.

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  1. 9 months ago
    Anonymous

    Go hardscape. Gravel, rocks, low maintenance bushes and cacti or small trees. Let keeping up with boomers go and just dig all that grass out so you can stop worrying about mowing it

  2. 9 months ago
    Anonymous

    >cant I just buy a bag of grass seed spread it and water it with a hose and call it a day?
    That's called "overseeding" and its a perfectly viable strategy. The idea being you give the grass every opportunity to crowd out anything else.
    Crab grass and other weeds are tough, and hard to get rid of without chemicals (all of which you can get at the lawn and garden center of your local big box store).
    Really though, there is no "one size fits all" solution.
    What kind of soul do you have, how much direct sun does the lawn get, what other trees and plants are there, etc.
    A lot of trees like apple and walnut intentionally poison the soil around them so nothing else grows (even your own seeds) to prevent competition for resources. Sometimes your soil have chemical issues, like being too acidic, which means you're got to spread some lime out a few times a year so the roots don't get burnt out.
    Make sure you have the right kind of grass for your area.
    If you don't want to bother with all that, hire a professional to come out a few times a month to do all the bullshit for you.
    I was a botanygay in college and one of my friends was studying turfgrass management. You'd be surprised how much there is to know about grass and landscaping.

  3. 9 months ago
    Anonymous

    I got pics.
    Grass, freshly mowed. Pleasant to be around and walk on.

    • 9 months ago
      Anonymous

      Evil weeds. Hurts to walk on, spread by Rothschild paid gangtalkers to torment me.

      • 9 months ago
        Anonymous

        >gangtalkers
        The plantstalker gang at it again !

  4. 9 months ago
    Anonymous

    rip out your boomer weed and turn it into raised beds. use cinderblocks so it looks as brutalist and ugly as possible. don't try to compete with boomers, just trash their property values before they die so you can buy their houses cheap and rent them out.

  5. 9 months ago
    Anonymous

    cover lawn with tarp for a month, plant fescue. The stuff gets around 5 inches tall then falls over and suffocates all the weeds and wildflowers. Eat the sorrel while you have it if it's a good kind.

    • 9 months ago
      Anonymous

      This.
      Or just keep the sorrel instead if it’s a nice species. Several of the shorter varieties actually make a pretty ground cover that doesn’t need mowing, and is fairly decent at out-competing other species of weeds. There’s a couple species of sorrel I considered for my own lawn, but the climate here sucks for em.

    • 9 months ago
      Anonymous

      I'd rather just bomb it with seed. Looks like I can get a ton of it pretty cheapish (30 bucks per 5lbs of fine fescue). and yeah I've seen it when I dont mow for a long time and it does look nice, but now that I know its supposed to be that clumpy instead of what all other boomers have, I'm a bit less insecure. If they ask I'll just throw some buzzwords so they can leave me the frick alone.

      This.
      Or just keep the sorrel instead if it’s a nice species. Several of the shorter varieties actually make a pretty ground cover that doesn’t need mowing, and is fairly decent at out-competing other species of weeds. There’s a couple species of sorrel I considered for my own lawn, but the climate here sucks for em.

      Its not a nice specie. It grows pretty tall and dry, and everything around it dies. I kept mowing it so it wouldn't have time to seed, and now it looks like very broad leaf weeds are starting to take its place after a rainstorm.

      [...]

      I've been doing that and it hasn't been working. The guy above you is right, should have just left the fescue grass grow tall and suffocate everything else to death.

      thanks guys.

      • 9 months ago
        Anonymous

        or just ignore them, who cares what they think tbh. I'm very neighborly but if someone complains about my lawn I'm gonna laugh. "You're welcome for the low property tax increase this year," is your response.

  6. 9 months ago
    Anonymous

    OK OP here again. This is my plan
    >wait for september
    >buy garden weasel, remove all weeds
    >buy 10lbs of fine fescue(grass I already have, I think) and spread it with a little spreader barrow
    >rake it, then walk all over the seeds to get them down
    >water it
    >maybe add some granulate fertilizer
    >?????
    >profit

    • 9 months ago
      Anonymous

      You can also try patch kits for anywhere you're removed weeds.
      Its basically fiberglass or sawdust, fertilizer, and grass seed.

    • 9 months ago
      Anonymous

      >planting grass in the fall
      enjoy your mud pit

      • 9 months ago
        Anonymous

        Should I just plant now?

  7. 9 months ago
    Anonymous

    Make sure your ground isn't too sandy or compacted.
    Buy a good lawn seed mix, yes it is expensive.
    Mow every week, hight according to grass mix and don't go lower.
    Water about twice a week with LOTS of water.
    Use fertilizer (carefully) twice a year.
    Pull out weeds, only use selective chemicals i pulling isn't an option.
    Don't let dogs pee on it.

    >cant I just buy a bag of grass seed spread it and water it with a hose and call it a day?
    Not if you want something more than a cheap haggard backyard lawn. Which is totally ok by the way, if lawn isn't your hobby don't pretend it is.
    The lazy but pretty way to go is to use a clover mix and after it's established do nothing but mow when it gets too high to be comfortable. Add some weeds/flowers like daisies. Enjoy.

    • 9 months ago
      Anonymous

      I appreciate your reply.
      >Buy a good lawn seed mix, yes it is expensive.
      There are way too many, I have no idea where to even start. I am in southeast CT, I don't know what type of seed is best.

      >mow every week, height according to grass mix.
      I did not know grass height mattered, I should probably cut it taller than I do now.

      >water twice a week
      Is this everywhere or just the area that has all the weeds/sorrel and is creeping farther and farther?

      >fertilizer (carefully) twice a year.
      What does this mean? Just use a spreader wheelbarrow thing?

      >pull out weeds
      Should I strip the area with the weeds bare? Its about all that is growing there. Actually I wouldn't even call it weeds, they're just varying types of plants. This is mainly where the lawn meets the road.

      I'll have to look into clover.

      • 9 months ago
        Anonymous

        >I am in southeast CT
        I'm nearby in NJ. What I did when we put down fill dirt and had to reseed it was throw some random grass mix from tractor supply and some red clover seed. It made a nice thick lawn within a few months and all I do is just mow it when the clover reachers about 6+ inches (depends on season/rain but usually just once a month)

        Now after 2 years we're starting to get some weeds like dandelions and plantain popping up, but I honestly don't mind them and with semi regular mowing it's easy to keep them in check.

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