Be honest, would you be able to beat a chimp in a fair 1v1? Posted on July 14, 2022 by Anonymous Be honest, would you be able to beat a chimp in a fair 1v1?
Just give it fentenayl and wait a bit for it to not breathe and knee on it.
Neither of us would win. We are brothers, monkeys set upon this cruel world against our will, just trying to survive. We embrace, the worries of life seem to fade away in this moment, the start of a mutual bond that will last a lifetime. "Ook" he says,
I love you too, brother
But what if the chimp was from Atlanta?
How many bullets (.38) can a chimp tank to the head?
How much prep time do I get? If it's just like we're both dropped into a featureless white room and forced to fight, I'd go for the chimp. But give me a few hours in a forest to prepare and I could probably kill like 10 of them
Reverse grip your knife and hammer fist away like the dumb ape that you are. Not even a 400 lb grizzly will survive that.
No animals has claws/fangs as sharp or as long as our knives but they manage to kill shit just fine. A shitty, dull kitchen knife is way more dangerous than all of a tiger's claws combined.
one swat though and you are toast. can you get enough good swings in the right spots before that happens? youd have to be a gigasavage to pull it off i think
>one swat though and you are toast
Who gives a fuck? The bear is fucking dead no matter what it tries. At worst you'll just bleed out before an ambulance/rescue can arrive.
>pull knife out
>glances off rib, wrist twists
>bear swats face off, knife flies 50 ft into the pushes
>brutally mauled to death
>"that bear is toast"
i dont think so man. id give 50:1 in favor of the bear
>bear swats fa-
His claw snaps and he rolls on the ground crying from pain 🙁
Also he stubbed his toe on a rock or something :~~*
I say the human won because he had a larger penis.
i cant argue with that. next time i see a bear im just gonna wag my dick at it and see if that works
That's how I wound up with a lifetime ban from yellowstone.
With a gun? With a sword or a spear of good quality? Sure.
Will the fight be in Chicago, Somalia, or Haiti?
I've done martial arts most of my life, and am good at dodging and blocking, but I'm not sure that would matter.
I down wahn ennie trabble!
Give the chimp a gun, then it would be a fair 1v1.
Do NOT do this.
kino video even if fake
I don't know, maybe abusing kicks i could, but if he get's to close I'll have a problem
OP I've been training for that day, of course I could take one on in a 1v1 setting
explain to me what a chimp will do against this?
inb4 "that's not a fair fight!!!"
Give me a pickaxe or a jackhammer and maybe...
At minimum a bowie knife, unarmed? Hahah yeah no way, that chimp will use my testicles as stress balls
A pocket knife is already a thousand times more lethal than anything a chimp has.
Knives and are cool and all, but how many hammer blows would a chimp take to the dome before going stiff?
And not those pussy modern hammers, I mean pic rel
Probably quite a few considering chimps are built for gravity smashings like falling off trees or getting concusive force applied to their entire body from gravity and crazy momentums at all time.
Idk anon, all that force is being focused on a small area onto the skull, even if the bone structure is up to task, the brain tissue is getting rocked from the impact.
I'd properly say between 2-5 hits to the head from a average strength human or one really good hammer strike from a above average strength man would make the chimp go stiff and expire.
That or he bites your face off and shoves the hammer up your ass.
Shit considering the damage a small monkey can take and still move I'd be kinda worried about an adult chimp although they are very different in endurance and agility and build being entirely different clades of primates and all. What I'd be worried about is the ape just shrugging off a melee hit thanks to their agility, if it just bonks off them and they dont show pain and still attack its gonna be trouble and getting the right angle to get to end one proper is gonna take some guts and the right timing alright. I'm even starting to doubt fighting one with a knife would be a good idea, steel and blades are unnatural enough in sharpness to cause some pretty startling reactions from most living beings that get damaged by them but it can also have the surgical effect of being so neat that it doesn't help register a proper stopping power, even stabbing one in the right place might get tricky because of how their anatomy is. You would have to study the chimp and the blade or sledgehammer properly.
If someone can 1 tap pit bulls with a 2x4 you can 1 tap a chimp a chimp with a steel hammer or do you think chimps have better concussion resistance than dogs that evolved to bite and shake?
Look, apes do headbutts and are evolved to survive falling down a tree, I don't think a pitbull can survive falling face first from 3 or 4 floors but a chimp definitely might just from the fact they've evolved in arboreal heightened positions for millions of years and are made of muscles and bone structure, if an ape can relax enough to lessen the blow from gravity attracting it toward the planet and smashing its face, my worry would be it could do the same for concussive forces that we throw at it.
I think we would need to test this in an arena and nothing short of a modern day collosseum with apes raised for the purpose will suffice I think.
What are you basing your theory on?
pic rel 1 hit to the head is death
If someone can 1 tap pit bulls with a 2x4 then you can 1 tap a chimps with a steel hammer.
>talks about a hammer
>posts a mallet
It's called a Massa you uncultured swine
For me it'd be pic related, the Hell's Angels always carry these things cuz they can fuck shit up easily.
Chimps dont fight fair
So no going eyes or groin and no biting? I might have a chance
Sure. Pistols at dawn?
no. the chimp is stronger than a human and while this means it gets tired quicker (its from their muscle fibers--its shorter than ours but allows it to be stronger) you will die before you can get exhausted
well, depends on how you define fair
but if you go by the way i define it, i think i'd be fine
chimps are naturally bulletproof, you need a sword to kill one
They are too agile to be slashed or stabbed. You'll get your arms and legs ripped off before you can do anything.
That's why you need to use something to debuff it's speed first
Can someone post the drawing of the elephant saying alas I have been defeated
>chimps are naturally bulletproof
I've seen meth heads tanking more bullets than CHUMPS
If people in these threads usually say a fit human beats a chimp and that same human obviously loses to a gorilla, then how would they fare against a male orangutan assuming it actually wanted to kill you?
that doesn't seem that strong, I've seen crackheads do the same thing.
>pick up rock
>open it's skull
>drink it's brain
Chimps are our preferred prey.
Yes, I'm well over six foot and work out regularly. I should be able to win if I use equally low tactics like attacking its groin, eyes, etc. A fit human on average just has more strength than a fit chimp. Their muscles are like 20% more efficient than our but we just have more pounds to negate that weakness and more reach + weight. Ignore redditards that think Chimps have superhuman power because they read stories of Women being attacked and mauled by chimps literally on drugs or lone humans being cornered by multiple chimps. If the man is willing to fight, he would win.
>unarmed woman who deep down doesn't want to kill the chimp
not comparable to a grown man who has spent his entire life learning how to into spears
the spear is the ultimate weapon. small, fast spears are called arrows. smaller, faster spears are called bullets.
why didnt skirmisher in antiquity use this thing?
Romans had the amentum which is somewhat similar in function.
Greeks* not Romans
And then the human race invented the bow and it became literally irrelevant.
People never stopped throwing spears. Skirmishers have always been a thing, spear throwing never stopped being a thing in warfare and the atlatl increases your effective range by like x5
The technology was simply lost at some point.
>what's a pilum
The time needed to mount it was too much when archers already covered the extended range
Spears were used to btfo cavalry and swordfags
If you carve the notch into the wood it takes less time than notching an arrow on a bowstring. You just slide the dart into the channel and it hits the spur and then you throw.
>t. has only used modern target bows
Old style bows used looser nocks and the arrow was loaded from the draw-hand side. War warchers could fire as fast as they could draw the string.
>assuming it actually wanted to kill you?
I don't think so.
Slings were more efficient against human targets and cheaper
it's impressive how much they fixed her face....considering that it used to just be a blob of flesh
>who didn't want to fight
>against a chimp on drugs
>which still fails to kill her
Wow, what a shocker, Chimps are really strong! Humans could NEVER do that.
>perpetrator is black
The way you wrote your post you made it seem like a human was the perpetrator
>60 year old woman with fucking osteoporosis
A literal 40kg crackhead could easily do the same damage if they chimped out on her
The chimp does actually have a huge agility advantage though, like they could easily catch you on yhe femoral or something with a nasty bite before you've had a chance to react, even if you would actually manhandle them in raw physical strength
>"Bro...did u see....I totally rekt that lil chimp...stabbed that little fucker to death....he did tear off my balls tho..."
A fair fight gives me from childhood to adulthood to make weapons and set traps. The chimp gets from childhood to adulthood to get beefy swinging from trees.
I win. In fact, chimps go extinct unless the ref intervenes.
Yep, the average chimp is only half as heavy as me. I could easily pummel it to the ground, pin it down at the throat to prevent it from biting and beat the shit out of it.
>did you le know that chimps are literally superhumans and can lift three tons and rip out your heart with their tongue and shoot laserbeams from their eyes??? omg they are so unkillable aimirite
you would be exhausted in 5 sec fatty
>The ape chimps out in sudden rage
>It propels itself at you in the blink of an eye and latches on to your chest
>It starts biting and 2-3 seconds later half your face is missing
>Stagger around without nose, eyes ears.
>The ape bites of your dick and takes a shit on your corpse eating bananas as you bleed out in unimaginable agony.
It is completely idiotic to think you can deal with an animal like that. Shoot it with a shotgun instead or something.
Have you never seen chimps fight? Anon is most likely gonna knock it the fuck out with 1 punch.
>Have you seen chimps fight
Go to the zoo, and watch them for 10 mins. They are fighting amongst themselves constantly for no reason.
Cool it with the racism, chud.
t.fat nerd who has never played sports and doesn't even have the reflexes required to play fast pace video games
Get good. They're not that fast.
An adult Wolverine is ~55lbs and it can fuck up grizzly bears dude, weight isn't everything in a fight
In any fair 1v1 you get a knife or two with the total length of blades attributed of his fangs over yours and maybe some armor to match the chimp's natural protection and then the question is weither you can pull through in a combat with one and it'd be a yes for me.
This, if you had a knife or a hammer and a leather jacket and you were very physically fit it would be doable
How to get killed in three steps
Pic related could probably kill a chimp reliably if the man was very tough and reasonably trained
A guy like this would slaughter a polar bear.
Reminder that someone managed to kill a 340 kg bear with a pocket knife that only had a 9.5 cm edge.
A sword like that would be an instant kill against a chimp. A fit gladiator like that could reliably take on a group of chimps.
340 kg grizzly bear*
>The bear was on me, and he got me in the arm," says Gene. "Then he knocked me down. He came on top of me, but I had these big, heavy boots on. I knocked him off, and I fell here. But you know what? I got up before the bear got up. Then I really took that knife and I cut in his throat. He got my leg with a bite, but after I got that neck in there, he kind of released, and I took that knife and hit him in the vertebrae. The neck turned up, and he just sprayed me with blood. Then he went kind of away from our arena and he circled around.
>He made a jump at me when I swung with this [left] fist. I hit that bear so hard I caught him someplace up in the nose. He fell down, he bounced one time, and his head went into the moss
Is this legit?
Seems kinda larpy.
>bear bites my leg
>I stab it in the neck
Seems believable to me.
Yeah but the stuff about dodging it and punching it? And kicking it off him?
The bear might've been playing with it's food.
The punch at the end sounds really stupid as if he managed to knock it out but it was probably just the blood loss. Generally when you have blood spraying from your neck everywhere you don't last very long.
That's just delusional, imagine four or five chimps bum-rushing you. They'll tear you limb from limb.
Imaginary numeric advantage
I'd rather 4 chimps rush me than 4 humans because humans understand the concept of a weapon and will try to disarm you. Chimps will just cling to your shield and try to rip it off your arm while you sever their limbs.
What if the 4 chimps were from Detroit?
I think this is so hot. Tfw no hairy buff faceless guy to raw me after slaughtering a chimp in combat
Make him a mute too.
people seem to forget that this was a whole category of fights, people did this for a living.
people also seem to think chimps have superpowers are are somehow more dangerous than other similarly sized animals, all because they ripped a few geriatrics's faces off.
Because they're just smart enough to be really mean.
They're also like half the size of a person but stronger than your average person, so most people don't have a ton of experience fighting a toddler with retard strength and max dex.
tbf, I just think your average person isn't as accustomed to fighting as a wild chimp is. Like 99 times out of 100 the person who wins a fight is the person who's the most aggressive off the bat and is striking violently first, full adrenaline rush and used to fucking shit up.
If you aren't used to fighting you can't just flip that switch on immediately and lose those precious initial seconds when you're caught off guard. All fights tend to be over pretty quickly.
It's like those videos of bros jumping some white guy that pol loves to freak out about. Those bros come out swinging, they're used to fighting and being aggressive and the white guy clearly isn't and gets caught off guard. The Chimp is gonna be like that but even more so.
The average untrained person who's never been in a fight is still a better fighter than even an experienced chimp.
It's gonna be going in with those fangs. People always think because they're standing above it they're safe but people are pretty easy to knock off balance, even if they're anticipating it. Same reason a few pitbulls will fuck you up.
If armed with a knife I give it to the untrained bum 9.9/10 times
Believe it or don't humans have a striking instinct and when armed with a decent knife that's all you need to take down any animal in your weight class.
Again, that's if you anticipate it and already have it out. The time it takes to recognize the situation, think about and draw the weapon and use it is all time the animal is closing the distance. It's not black and white either way.
What? Still goes to the bum 9.9/10 times.
Unless you think a chimp can literally snap your spine in half with a punch.
People have slow responses to dogs and always kill them anyway. It doesn't matter how much damage you do with biting if you'll have 20 5 inch holes in your chest in the next 10 seconds.